TRAVERSE CITY — Social media and the ability to get instant gratification are creating a culture of self-obsession, where empathy is something that needs to be taught. Child psychologists say being empathetic is a skill our kids need to be successful in all aspects of life.
“We’re teaching young people that these skills of listening and empathy are not as important as they are,” said Lisa Blackford, Northwestern Michigan College Psychology Instructor.”
You see it every day in our ever-intertwined world of social media. People, especially younger ones, are being influenced to be self-obsessed where online reactions have become more important to them, which can bring either satisfaction or disappointment. “I believe being on the phone constantly, the comparison, the seeing how many likes I get and feeling really bad because my life doesn’t stack up to everybody else’s life. That is having an impact on our brain development,” said Blackford.
A concept called “the empathy advantage” was developed by child psychologist and parenting expert, Dr. Michele Borba, where she contends parents put too great of a value on academic achievement as a measure of success. She believes developing resilience, a sense of purpose and a capacity for healthy relationships are for more important. Blackford agrees, “These are leadership skills. These help students and adults succeed in life. I think about, the several years ago about the emotional intelligence that was really part of this of even if you are not strong in certain areas, but you have the ability to relate to other people and connect with others and, develop healthy relationships that will take you a lot further.”
Today’s self-obsessed culture is said to be permeating our culture and slowly eroding our children’s character. The so-called “selfie syndrome” of self-absorption is clashing with today’s employers who demand a more collaborative environment. “We hear from employers saying we can train the skills, but we want this ability for students to be able to be good communicators, effective listeners, effective communicating,” said Blackford. In her book, Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me-World, Borba lays out nine steps to instill the empathy advantage in our kids. These steps include in the ability to read feelings, cultivate a caring inner compass, practice perspective taking, use literature to build moral imagination, teach emotional self-regulation, practice kindness through simple acts, work for the common good, develop moral courage and to teach kids that they can make a difference.
Blackford said role models in kid’s lives can help them develop some of these skills, “I think with kids, they have so many idols, sports idols and musicians that are philanthropists and do really awesome things for other people, pointing that out and yes, they’re great athletes and artists, but look at what else they do. I think that’s a really important piece for kids to see that.”
Even though empathy is something that can be taught, it doesn’t mean we are born without the ability to be aware of the perspectives and feelings of others. “And mirror neurons, we’re born with. So, when we see someone else cry, we feel that sense of emotion to that sadness. And sometimes it’ll make you choke up as well.”
Learning to be less self-obsessed can start at home, where parents have their kids put their devices away and offer opportunities for personal interaction, like the increasingly disappearing family dinnertime. “I know kids usually think of it as a punishment. Like I’m going to take your phone away from you if you don’t do X, Y and Z, but also helping kids realize that these skills are like learning how to study, learning how to drive, learning how to do laundry, that listening and communicating effectively is not just something your parents want you to do, because that’s a good thing to do,” said Blackford.